She's always good with awkward situations. I'm happy she came with me to this one. She extended her right hand towards him, "Well, [NAME], ...have a great life." He chuckled, shook her hand, and wished her the same.
That was basically it. Minus monthly checks in the mail for money he still owes me, his life path and mine have now veered off into completely opposite directions. I might see him in passing when I visit friends in his hometown, but we are no longer a meaningful part of each other's lives. We're no longer going to share the great life we used to playfully plan out.
She summed it for me. I do wish you a great life. Whenever I catch myself missing our would-be great life, I remind myself that that life would be short-changing both of us. We both have so much more to live for.
I pray you peace and blessings. Fulfillment. Strength.
I'm gettin' mine.
Goodbye.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Neighbors.
I've always wanted that storyline you see in movies. The boy and the girl grow up as neighbors, become best friends, support each other through awkwardness, heartache, and other pursuits, then grow to one day realize they're romantically destined for each other. Maybe it's because I never stayed in one place long enough to build that kind of history. Maybe it's because I've come to realize how much of a headache it is to date; it'd be nice to just already be sure.
That being said, it's occurred to me that I might be in love with you.
Fuck.
That being said, it's occurred to me that I might be in love with you.
Fuck.
I Do... hope.
Already one of the most beautiful women I've ever met, she could have been straight out of an old painting as her father escorted her down the aisle to stand with her groom. She wore white. She's one of few women who deserve to wear white on her wedding day, if you know what I mean. It truly represented her being, her soul, her honor.
I wore brown and black to her wedding. And funny enough, this combination probably best represents the state of "me".
Don't get me wrong; I'm a firm believer in love, marriage, and commitment! I'm just still incredibly jaded and incapable of believing that men really have it in them to commit to one woman, for better or for worse, for the rest of their lives.
I don't think I can, in good conscience, wear white on my wedding day.
I'll likely marry eventually. I hope and pray that what I feel for the person I commit my life to is half as intense as what I saw in her eyes when she promised herself to him.
I wore brown and black to her wedding. And funny enough, this combination probably best represents the state of "me".
Don't get me wrong; I'm a firm believer in love, marriage, and commitment! I'm just still incredibly jaded and incapable of believing that men really have it in them to commit to one woman, for better or for worse, for the rest of their lives.
I don't think I can, in good conscience, wear white on my wedding day.
I'll likely marry eventually. I hope and pray that what I feel for the person I commit my life to is half as intense as what I saw in her eyes when she promised herself to him.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Foliage of the soul.
So we started this garden.
Living with three other chicks, it simply wasn't an option to kill the nest of baby rabbits we found in the thicket we were clearing to plant our garden. Yes, even though we knew that rabbits are the antichrist of vegetable gardens. We bought cutesy gloves and weeding tools. We spent far more money than I'd like to admit on stones and wires and stakes for "bunny-proofing". We then threw 14 kinds of seeds into the soil which was previously home to a weed jungle. We huffed and we puffed and then we stood back to see what would happen.
It's about two weeks since planting day. Thinking we're probably not watering enough. Noticing that the most successful foliage resembles the type of weed we spent a week uprooting. Reflecting on how excellent a metaphor for life gardening is.
I'm not a tree-hugging hippie, but for all intents and purposes, from here on out, the "garden bed" is going to be used to illustrate the concept of the "human soul".
It's amazing how ridiculously overgrown with useless, ugly gunk we let it get before do anything about it! How often do we completely underestimate how much work it's going to take to cleanse it of the bad and make room for the beautiful. How often does dealing with one thing lead to a bajillion other, deeper, more difficult issues we could never have expected when we started trying to fix things. How often do we really need the help of someone else that we're too proud or shy or ashamed to request. We realize that it's hard to get rid of the cute and furry little things that we know aren't good for it but still let them stay because they don't SEEM like an aggressive or vicious problem. There should be balance and variety. It should be full. We know what it is that we want to grow and nurture in it, but really have no friggin' clue how to make it happen.
A big thing I'm realizing is that there's only so much we can do. Yeah, we have to put our blood, sweat, and tears into clearing, planting, safe-guarding, and watering. But then you have to give the rest to God, to the mysterious unknown, to the risk of both failure and success. We have to do our part in the tending, but ultimately, it's not us that makes the miracle happen.
It takes a long time. No, you can't have your bell peppers and chives tomorrow. I know - "Damn it!" Yeah, the weeds still creep up and get in the way of the veggies you're trying to yield, but taking it day-by-day will prohibit losing it again to the undesired gunk. It can be beautiful with care. You'll have something worth sharing in the end.
It's worth it - every painstaking moment.
There is nothing more glorious than growth.
Living with three other chicks, it simply wasn't an option to kill the nest of baby rabbits we found in the thicket we were clearing to plant our garden. Yes, even though we knew that rabbits are the antichrist of vegetable gardens. We bought cutesy gloves and weeding tools. We spent far more money than I'd like to admit on stones and wires and stakes for "bunny-proofing". We then threw 14 kinds of seeds into the soil which was previously home to a weed jungle. We huffed and we puffed and then we stood back to see what would happen.
It's about two weeks since planting day. Thinking we're probably not watering enough. Noticing that the most successful foliage resembles the type of weed we spent a week uprooting. Reflecting on how excellent a metaphor for life gardening is.
I'm not a tree-hugging hippie, but for all intents and purposes, from here on out, the "garden bed" is going to be used to illustrate the concept of the "human soul".
It's amazing how ridiculously overgrown with useless, ugly gunk we let it get before do anything about it! How often do we completely underestimate how much work it's going to take to cleanse it of the bad and make room for the beautiful. How often does dealing with one thing lead to a bajillion other, deeper, more difficult issues we could never have expected when we started trying to fix things. How often do we really need the help of someone else that we're too proud or shy or ashamed to request. We realize that it's hard to get rid of the cute and furry little things that we know aren't good for it but still let them stay because they don't SEEM like an aggressive or vicious problem. There should be balance and variety. It should be full. We know what it is that we want to grow and nurture in it, but really have no friggin' clue how to make it happen.
A big thing I'm realizing is that there's only so much we can do. Yeah, we have to put our blood, sweat, and tears into clearing, planting, safe-guarding, and watering. But then you have to give the rest to God, to the mysterious unknown, to the risk of both failure and success. We have to do our part in the tending, but ultimately, it's not us that makes the miracle happen.
It takes a long time. No, you can't have your bell peppers and chives tomorrow. I know - "Damn it!" Yeah, the weeds still creep up and get in the way of the veggies you're trying to yield, but taking it day-by-day will prohibit losing it again to the undesired gunk. It can be beautiful with care. You'll have something worth sharing in the end.
It's worth it - every painstaking moment.
There is nothing more glorious than growth.
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